Mick verschwand nach oben, doch Josef blieb und schaute Beth herausfordernd an.

“What?”, fragte sie gereizt.

“Tell me what really happened between you and Mick!”

“That’s none of your business!”, wehrte Beth ab.

“I think it is. Mick´s my friend!”, erwiderte Josef.

“Okay, if you need to know it. Mick tried to kill himself by starving himself to death. I came here, because I wanted to talk to him, and found him near death. I gave him some of my blood, then I called you. That’s what happened.”

“Mick wanted to kill himself, why?”, fragte Josef nach.

“Because I hurt him with what I said at our last meeting, because he hates being a vampire… I’m not quite sure!”, Beth brach in Tränen aus und sank auf das Sofa.

“You really should have thought twice before telling him, what you had told him this one night!“; entgegnete Josef erbost.

“He told you?”, erkundigte sich Beth.

“Yeah, he told me. He was totally freaked out because of it. He thought he had lost you forever.”

“It was all too much! I couldn’t believe Josh being gone and I was mad at Mick for not turning Josh, because I wasn’t able to admit that I hadn’t loved Josh as I should have loved him these past months. Since I met Mick my relationship with Josh was different. It was like living with one man and wanting another. And then Josh was dead and I felt horrible and it was much easier to blame Mick for Josh´ death than to admit that I had not loved him like I should have”, erklärte Beth ihre Situation.

“Well, but you hurt Mick very much, you know that? I might kill you for this, if I didn’t know for sure that Mick would never want that and I would break his heart, if I ever dare hurting you.”

“Yes, I could punish myself for pushing him this far. I’ve never thought that some stupid words would hurt him so much”, Beth blickte traurig zu Boden, dann jedoch nahm sie ihren Mut zusammen und schaute zu Josef hoch: “You are his friend, what do you think I should do? Should I leave him alone or should I stay and try to make up for it?”

“You cannot think of leaving him now!”, erwiderte Josef, “I don’t exactly like you and relationships between vampires and humans don’t end well most of the time, but Mick needs you. Since he met you, he seems to have a reason for living. What has happened today, I’ve expected to happen years ago already. He hates what he is and thinks of himself as a monster. When you show him that you do not think of him as a monster, it could help him accepting what he is. He thinks very highly of you, your opinion counts for him. But if you tell him to kill himself, this doesn’t exactly help…”

“Josef, please don’t talk about it anymore. I know I treated him so badly that I can hardly understand that he still wants to have something to do with me.”

“He loves you, Beth”, stellte Josef ruhig fest.

“I know!”, entgegnete Beth und fuhr sich nachdenklich durch die Haare.

“If you feel the same way for him, you should show it. If not, you should let him know and stay his friend.”

Beth nickte: “Thanks Josef! I will think about it!”

“You better should!”, mit diesen Worten verabschiedete Josef sich.

Beth konnte nicht sofort einschlafen, viele Dinge gingen ihr noch im Kopf herum: Ihre Beziehung zu Mick, ihre Beziehung zu Josh, ihre eigenen Gefühle…

Schließlich jedoch fiel sie vor Erschöpfung in einen tiefen Schlaf.

Am nächsten Morgen wachte sie auf mit dem Gefühl beobachtet zu werden. Tatsächlich saß Mick ihr gegenüber im Sessel und betrachtete sie.

“Good Morning!“, begrüßte er sie.

Sie blinzelte, schaute ihn von oben bis unten an und stellte dann fest: „You look far better this morning!“

“Thanks to you I do!”

“Thanks to me you primal got in this condition, remember?”, erwiderte Beth ironisch.

“You shouldn’t blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault!”

Beth setzte sich auf und widersprach: “You know it was so, so please don’t lie to me. Josef told me that you never really found life as a vampire appealing, but it was me who made you think of ending it for real.”

“Now it is you, who is blaming herself for everything what has happened”, versuchte er die Situation ein wenig ins Lächerliche zu ziehen.

“I know that I treated you wrong, Mick! So please don’t be such a gentleman and try to make it look like it was your fault and not mine! I want forgiveness, but I don’t want you to ignore my faults!”

Er nickte: “Then go ahead! I believe you want to tell me something, right?”

“Right! I would like to tell you that I don’t blame you anymore for Josh´ death. It was not upon me to decide on turning him into a vampire. He should have had the chance to decide for himself, but as this was impossible, you did the right thing to not turn him. I’m sorry that I was so mad at you because of this.

It was hard to loose Josh and it was even harder to admit that I didn’t really love him the last months before he died. I had fallen in love with you, but I couldn’t admit that, because it made me feel guilty. I thought that I should have loved Josh more, especially when he was gone so suddenly, and I was angry that I couldn’t. I hated you for making it difficult for me to mourn for Josh.

Because of  this I said all these bad things to you. I am so sorry for it now and I would do everything to take it back.”

“I understand! I think you need to know something. When you staked Coraline, I was anxious about her, you know that. But it was not because I still loved her. A part of me still wanted her, but this was not love. I really wished for her that she would survive and not only because of the cure. Mainly it was because of guilt. I tried to kill her twenty-two years ago and you know I had every reason to do that, but still I felt guilty about it for years. And when she came back into my life again, I was nearly happy about it, because this meant I hadn’t killed her.

But when I saw your face, when you spotted us together, I knew I had to let her go. I had to let go the guilt and all the tender feelings I once had for her, if I wanted our friendship to survive. I had to make my peace with Coraline to be ready to give my heart to someone else.”

Beth nickte. Sie wusste, was Mick ihr sagen wollte. Sie würde Josh nie vergessen. Er war ihr ein Jahr lang ein guter Begleiter gewesen. Er hatte sie geliebt und sie hatte ihn geliebt, aber er war tot. Und selbst wenn er noch am Leben wäre, konnte sie nicht zurückholen, was zwischen ihnen einmal gewesen war. Ihre gemeinsame Beziehung war lange vor ihm gestorben.

“I’m ready to let Josh go, Mick!”, sagte sie leise.

“That’s good, but that doesn’t mean that you have to…”, er hielt inne, konnte nicht aussprechen, was er dachte.

“No, I know. Letting go Josh doesn’t mean I have to let you inside my heart or my life. But I think this decision was not mine to make right from the start, because you are in my heart already. I cannot let you go, even if I wanted to. I tried to focus on my grief for Josh, on my memories on Josh the last few weeks, but you were still there, in all my heart, in all my thoughts. I love you, Mick! I love as you are, as the person you are. I love you as a vampire as much as I could love you as a human! I just hope you will be able to forgive me all I have done to you and love me in return!”, gestand Beth, während sie um Fassung rang. Sie wollte Micks Entscheidung nicht beeinflussen, indem sie vor ihm in Tränen ausbrach.

“I’ve forgiven you everything the very moment I saw you standing at my door. I thought at first I must be hallucinating as I couldn’t believe you would ever forgive me for not turning Josh. I thought I lost you forever because of this. I even started to believe it was my jealousy which made me not turn Josh into a vampire, although I knew all along that it was the only thing I could have done without giving up every principle I had. I swore long ago never to turn another person into a vampire and I never did. But still he died, because I stuck to my principles”, meinte Mick nachdenklich.

“You did the right thing. Don’t worry about that anymore!”, entgegnete Beth schnell, “Josh would have hated being a vampire. You two could have made a contest in hating being a vampire, if you had turned him.”

Sie lachte, doch wurde dann wieder ernst: “But still I can’t understand, how you could forgive me all the stupid and offending things I said. How you could forgive me as it was nothing, while you were dying, because you thought I hated you?”

“I was trying to die, because I’ve hated myself for over fifty years. The thought of you hating me too made everything fall apart, made me think that I was right in my self-hatred all along. But it wasn’t you who made me loathe living, it was me.

You were the one who after years of loneliness made me feel again. You reminded me of all the good things that are worth living for. And when I thought I’d lost you, I couldn’t think of how I could go on without the comfort you gave me these past weeks. I forgave you, because I loved you, because I needed you in my life very badly and because I knew that I had made big mistakes as well, when I kept you away all those times before. I didn’t let you come near me and wasn’t able to say what I felt. I needed to loose you for a time to understand that I couldn’t do without you.”

Beth liefen nun tatsächlich Tränen die Wangen hinunter, auch wenn sie das nicht gewollt hatte. Sie zwang sich zu einem Lächeln: “At least you’ve finally stopped running away from your feelings and from me.”

“I think I wasn’t really up for running yesterday”, erwiderte er und grinste.

“Please, don’t speak of it anymore or I will start crying again!”

“Is there anything I can do to stop you from crying?”, fragte er mit einem zärtlichen Lächeln.

Sie lächelte zurück und meinte dann verschmitzt: “Well, you could start with a little kiss and hold me for a while. And then I could probably show you how sorry I am for what I’ve said and done!”

“Sounds like a good plan to me!”, entgegnete er mit einem Grinsen, “But before you show me your love you better should eat something. I think it could take some time till I am totally convinced of your love.”